Outsource

Mainly reading Tom Mccarthy's Remainder. excellent.

Just finished J.M Coetzee's Diary of a bad year. good ruse. typical JC sad and sorry style infused with intellect. Shades of Nabokov with metafictional tendency and old man love young girl dynamic.

On the train, finished Mark Kurlansky's Non-violence (A history of a dangerous idea.) Short, punchy and to the point. Good history. I'd like to re-read a few times just to fix it in.

Have started Barak Obama's Audacity of Hope but already flagging.

Also started reading the Bible. Am on chapter 32 of Genesis. Strange tales these people tell. Where's the magic or spirituality?

Enjoyed The Passion on BBC over Easter. Very appropriate. Jesus Aryan and patronising. Disciples weak and moping.

Saw Diary of the Dead. Horrendous. Just really poor. Was difficult to take. Makes Land of the Dead look like a masterpiece. I do really like Land of the Dead though.

Lines to reflect

I want Jesus to touch me.

If I was a girl I wouldn't just want to be desired. I know that men desire me. I know that I am vulnerable to men's desire. I want to look at you and know that you desire me. I want to see it in how you look at me. Not like a crazed lecher but with tender, piercing eyes that I want above all others.

I need to capture. This weekend I went out and did some things. I went to the Dev Cat and I went to a comedy night at the Hub and went to a special invite only night at the Runaway Girl, then went to DQ til 3am on Sunday night. Monday I went to work and felt lousy. While I was evacuating the remnants of the night mid morning, I had the predictable hangover epiphany saying to myself, I will stop drinking. Then I thought, this is a bit much because I really like drinking so I decided I will just stop drinking until Easter. I thought, why not, I like setting myself up with little tests and enduring while resenting them. So, I will be trying to have non drink related fun for the next couple of weeks.

I have been thinking more about Jesus recently. A friend of mine has recently started his own blog  www.downroute66.com. Jesus obviously spent Lent hanging out in the desert by himself with no thrills or distractions outside of meditating and wrestling with his demons, or demon. I find the idea of going off and doing things by myself a very romantic but ultimately fearful notion. I worry about the pending and inevitable boredom and failure, depression and misery too much. So, I admire the man and see hope in being able to spend all this time away from the things that defend us against such things - friends, family, loved ones, work, hobbies, booze - and would like to give it a crack.

One of my strongest inner desires is to go and wander the earth in a directionless yet somehow purposeful and enlightened, liberated manner. Home is where I am. I am where my home is. My body is my home. I love my friends and hobbies but I am aware of them defending me against my sadnesses, and thus protecting me from taking the big risks. Jesus gave up his safety net of friends and frivolity for 40 days to face his enemy head on. I think he is swell. I can experiment with being more like him by giving up the drink for a bit. I will now be relying on freshly squeezed orange juice and soda water for my social lubrication. small steps.